Dear Diary
by Nonnihil Scelestus
Summary: Lilly keeps a diary. In it she puts her thoughts about those she loves. Warning unusual pairing to follow.
1. Chapter 1: Truth

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot line. The characters belong to their owners of course.

**Dear Diary**

**Chapter 1: Truth**

_**"Truth: An Ingenious compund of desirability and appearance."**_

_**Ambrose Bierce**_

_Dear Diary,_

_My day always begins the same way. I get out of bed, a titanic struggle, no matter what time I rise. I drink my coffee and wait for the caffeine to take effect. It never seems to work fast enough for me. Of course my cats never let me finish the first cup before they are begging to be fed. I always think about him when I'm feeding my cats. I always wonder if he likes cats. _

_Everyday I go to work and either slog through paperwork or close a cold case. I often wonder what things would be like if I had always walked a beat or stayed in the homicide division. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and the people I work with, but I still wonder. I worry about my sister too. Scotty still thinks that I don't know about the two of them. He doesn't realize that Lt. Stillman, John, tells me everything concerning my sister and Scotty. John is a good guy. He may notice Scotty's trysts, but he seems oblivious to the looks I give him. I have yet to decide if it's deliberate or not. I like to think its not because that would hurt more. If he doesn't realize I care about him then I can still pretend that I have a snowball's chance in hell with him. Maybe he thinks he's too old, maybe he sees me as a daughter (I hope not. No daughter should feel this way about her father). I guess I desire him. It's more than that though. I love him. I love his compassion and gentleness, everything about him…_

Lilly Rush set aside her pen and notebook. Scotty watched her put it away. He always watched her. She pretended not to notice, as she placed her bag on her desk. What Scotty didn't know was that Lilly knew he only took up with her sister as a replacement for her. He would never have a chance with her though. She loved another. Lilly gathered up her things and shut down her computer. It looked like it was going to be another long night alone.

"Want me to walk you out Lil?" Scotty asked. She shook her head. She could already see Stillman walking toward the exit.

"No thanks. I'm fine, Scotty." She answered and started out the door. Lilly waited until they were both out of sight of the offices before she caught up with the Lieutenant and tapped him on the shoulder. He looked up and smiled softly at her.

"Calling it quits?" Stillman asked as she matched his stride.

"Yeah. Someone has to feed the cats." Lilly answered.

"I gave up pets. I'm not home enough to take care of one, not to mention my ex took our dog when we separated…" He trailed off as the reached the lobby of the building.

"I like my cats. They're misfits in this world, a lot like me." Lilly answered. While she was sorry that John and his wife had divorced, she was also secretly happy. It meant there was one less obstacle to overcome it she ever got up the nerve to ask him out. Of course fraternization with a superior officer was a big offense, but she didn't particularly care. After all a person's heart only knows love, it doesn't understand rank.

Stillman brought her back to the present when he placed a hand on her back as he escorted her to her car. He waited until she was in the car before he turned to get into his own.

"Do you have dinner plans?" She asked softly. He turned to look at her.

"No, but I don't think it's a good idea." He had a warning in his eyes. Lilly briefly thought about ignoring it, but decided against it. She shrugged gently as though she didn't care and shut her car door. She was gone a moment later and Stillman was left to contemplate the flash of her taillights.

On his way home, he wondered if perhaps he had misread her invitation to dinner. Perhaps she hadn't been trying to start something that would get them both in trouble. The more he thought about it, the more he felt ashamed for jumping to a conclusion. He glanced at the time on the radio face, noting she would have already been home for 10 minutes. At the next light he turned around and headed toward her house.

Stillman paused at the front door. He wasn't sure why he was there and hesitated for a moment longer. He tried to think it through but every time he conjured an image of her face with her soft blonde hair falling into her eyes and the jealousy that surged every time Scotty stared at her. Almost without realizing it, he knocked on the door. The sound seemed to echo in his ears and he wanted to take it back, but it was like trying to unring a bell, all you can do is wait for the sound to fade.

Lilly paused in her search for a pan. She heard the knock ad her thoughts immediately turned to Scotty. He had showed up at her house more than once in the last few months. She hoped however it was someone else. The surprise must have shown momentarily on her face because Stillman raised an eyebrow.

"Does the dinner invitation still stand?" He asked softly.

"Yeah, come in." Lilly stepped aside and led him into the kitchen. "Have a seat." She gestured to the barstools next to the island in her kitchen. She tried to remember what she had been looking for, but his presence was distracting. She kept looking at him as though she was trying to make sure he was still there, to make sure that she wasn't imagining things.

"Lilly." He paused, unsure of what to say. "Maybe I shouldn't have come." He whispered, almost to himself.

"Don't leave." She turned to face him, panic in her eyes.

"I think I should. Its not as good idea to be here, its too tempting." She moved around the island so she was standing right in front of him. There was no way he could deny what was in her eyes at that distance. He could only accept it or walk away. Lilly saw his decision a moment too late as he stepped back to reclaim his coat. Her next words stopped him in his tracks.

" I know you don't feel the same way and even if you did, I know we cant. But I love you. I have for a long time, and I will for a lot longer. I can't help it. You don't have to worry though. You'll never see it again. I'll see you in the office tomorrow, sir."

It was the softly spoken 'sir' that did him in. It was a sucker punch to the gut. She had never really called him 'sir' and meant it. He reached out and turned her back to face him, and raised her eyes to his. In them she saw all she had ever wanted from him shinning through. Then he blinked and shuttered it away. She nodded in understanding and squeezed his hand. He left then, leaving her to an empty kitchen.

Lilly smiled to herself. Her love was returned and unknowingly Stillman, John, had given her the means to unlock his resolve. He should have known better than to show her so much. She was a detective after all.

"Well John, you can't unring a bell." She said to herself with a soft smile.

_**"Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all of you heart"**_

_**Marcus Aurelius**_


	2. Chapter 2: Positive

**Dear Diary**

**Chapter 2: Positive**

_**Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight.**_

_**Benjamin Franklin**_

_Dear Diary,_

_When John came by last night, I was in shock. He originally turned down my dinner offer, so I wasn't expecting him to knock on the door. He didn't stay long. In fact he said it was a bad idea that he was there at all. I can't help but disagree, because what he showed me was what I had been waiting for. He showed me caring, compassion, passion, desire, and love. It seemed to last a lifetime, but in truth it was only a handful of moments. _

_I wonder if he truly understands what he gave me last night. He gave me what I needed most, and that was encouragement. I rechecked the rules and regulations concerning interdepartmental relationships. It just says that the superior officer can't make the first move or show favoritism. Maybe John knew all along and wanted to make sure that he didn't make the first move. I guess I took to first step emotionally speaking, but the ball is still in my court. I have to make him understand that I won't let things slide. I want him and I'm determined…_

Lilly quickly closed the notebook. She could feel Scotty behind her. She tucked it into her desk and turned to face him.

"What are you writing?" He asked.

"Nothing. Personal thoughts about things, cases, little things that don't belong in a report." She smiled at him. Scotty nodded but he knew she was hiding something. He turned and headed to his own desk. Maybe he could distract her enough for her to leave it behind.

Lilly knew he was curious, so she placed her journal in her bag when he had his back turned. If Scotty knew about how she felt, it would be out to the precinct in a day tops, and that was exactly what she didn't need. She gathered up her things and a few files she needed to give Stillman. He nodded for her to enter when she knocked on the door.

"Here are the files you wanted. Are there any others you need before I go?" Lilly asked with a gentle smile.

"No, those are good for now. Have a good night." He answered. She nodded and headed out. Stillman pulled the top file open and started to read. He went through three before he found her note.

'_You're always welcome to have dinner with me. I promise I wont be so surprised the next time_.'

It hadn't been signed, but he would know her handwriting anywhere. He glanced at his watch. It had only been 45 minutes since she had left. He tucked the note into his pocket and gathered his coat. He would keep it for future reference, but he couldn't go over tonight. Everything was still fresh and he wanted to give her another day to be sure. He noted that Scotty was also gone, but his other two detectives were going strong on some bits of paperwork.

When the knock came that night, Lilly was a little more prepared for it. She knew it wouldn't be Stillman. He would wait a few days. She knew it had to be Scotty or her sister. She could handle him, but she was in no mood to deal with Christina.

"Why are you here, Scotty?" It was the first thing out of her mouth when she opened the door. It wasn't friendly, but then she was starting to get irritated with the man.

"Well I'm worried about you. You seem distant lately, and I was wondering if everything was ok." He was being sincere, but it pushed a button she didn't know she had. She snapped.

"I'm fine Scotty, I don't need your concern and quite frankly I'm tired of it. You're always watching me and waiting for me to break as if I'm some fragile flower of glass. I've been on my own for along time. I practically raised my sister. I don't need help. I don't want help, and I'm tired of the offers. I don't need a shoulder to cry on. And by the way, I hope you enjoy your fling with my sister while it lasts, because she never sticks around for long." With that she shut the door in his face and went back to her kitchen. She picked up her cell phone and dialed Stillman's number from memory. She had punched in the number a million times before, but had never actually pressed send as she did tonight. She didn't expect him to answer.

"Stillman." His voice was soft and slightly gruff.

"Lieutenant, I need to speak to you in the morning about a work related matter." Lilly said in a professional tone.

"Ok. First thing in the morning come see me. Can I get an idea about what it is that's bothering you?" He asked. From the tone of her voice, he could guess.

"In a word, Scotty." Her tone dropped a few degrees to an absolutely icy sound. He could almost feel the frost through he phone.

"We'll talk about it in the morning then. Anything else?" Lilly smiled to herself and let the warmth of her natural tone flow through.

"Yeah, sweet dreams." It was said with a hint of seduction.

"You too." His voice had softened as well. Lilly smiled as she closed her cell phone and started making a snack to eat instead of dinner.

The next morning Lilly went straight to Stillman's office. She didn't bother knocking, because he waved her in as she was approaching.

"Good morning." Stillman said. His voice was serious but she could see a smile lurking in his eyes. " So what did Scotty do this time?" Lilly, who had almost been smiling herself suddenly frowned.

"He is always watching me, and over the last 2 months he's shown up at my house 6 times for no reason. If he weren't my partner, I'd think he was trying to be a stalker. I would like to request a new partner." Stillman gazed at her for a moment.

"It just so happens that we have a new detective transferring in. Her name is Miller. You can partner with her starting tomorrow. As for Scotty, I'm not sure what we'll do with him. He's a good detective but he hasn't been the same since his girl killed herself."

"I know. He's been reckless in his personal life. He took up with my little sister, and that wasn't exactly the brightest thing to do." Stillman snorted softly.

"Thank you for the dinner invitation. I may take you up on that sometime." Lilly nodded to him and turned to go back to her desk. Scotty was there leaning against it. He had a guilty look on his face, so she could tell that he had either tried looking for her notebook (which she'd left at home), or he had been trying to lip read (not that he knew how), to figure out what she and Stillman talked about.

"So what did he want?" Scotty asked.

"He informed me that we have a new detective joining our team tomorrow, and he wanted me to partner up with her for awhile to show her the ropes." Lilly answered coldly. She just wanted to be left alone to do her work for the day.

Scotty wisely backed away from her. He could tell that something was still bothering her, and that something had to do with him, in terms of her anger. As for everything else about Lilly, she was happy, truly happy, and that was something he hadn't seen in a long time. She tried to keep it all hidden, but when she was happy, it was like trying to hide a fire in the dark

_**The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, or not to anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.**_

_**Buddha**_


	3. Chapter 3: Follow

**Dear Diary**

**Chapter 3: Follow**

_**Follow love and it will flee, flee love and it will follow**_

_**Proverb**_

_Dear Diary,_

_I'm getting a new partner! God, I sound like a petty little schoolgirl. Scotty will be working alone for a while, until the new detective knows the ropes. Maybe I'll be over my irritation with him by then. I feel bad that I snapped at him the other night. He picked the wrong time to show up at my house unexpectedly. Maybe he'll stop doing that from now on._

_When I came out of John's office today, he had a guilty look on his face, like a little boy who had his hand caught in the cookie jar. I know what he was looking for, but I'm being cautious for now, because this info in his hands would be disastrous._

_On a happier note, John got my message. He says he may take me up on dinner sometime. That would be wonderful as long as Scotty doesn't show up uninvited…. someone's knocking…_

Lilly got up from her couch spilling cats in every direction. She had already changed into her pajamas – a simple tank and cotton shorts. When she opened the door John was standing there. She smiled warmly at him and stepped aside to let him in. He shrugged out of his light coat and she hung it on the rack next to the door. He was in jeans and a soft button down shirt, loose at the collar. He looked relaxed for the most part. Lilly could see a hint of nervousness in his eyes so she took his hand and led him to the couch. Once he was seated, she curled up next to him, and leaned her head on his shoulder. John wrapped an arm around her.

"I couldn't stop thinking about you." It was whispered soft and low, as if anything louder would break the spell that seemed to have fallen over them.

"I was thinking about you as well." Lilly whispered back. John turned to face her.

"Lilly I need to know why you chose me. I'm not exactly a prime choice here." His tone held self-depreciation, like he was ashamed that he should have feelings for her, like he wasn't worthy of her. She knew she would have to be totally honest with him or their relationship would never get off the ground.

"I love you because of who you are. I love you because of the way you make me feel. I love you because you make me strive to be a better person. I love how you always know just what to say and how you are always so calm. And I happen to like your packaging just fine. I think you're handsome. I just love you." She was trying to be articulate, but it was hard to put all of her emotions and feelings into those few simple words. He stared at her for a moment, and Lilly could feel her face start to flush.

"I love you too Lilly. I just needed to be reassured. This is uncharted territory for me. I've long since accepted the fact that I would spend the rest of my life alone. I never dared to hope I could fall in love again, or be loved by anyone else. I was burned once by my ex wife, and it hurt. It hurt more than anything I ever felt before." He paused. "I don't always know what to say Lilly. Right now I'm finding it extremely difficult to find the right words to tell you everything I need to. I'm very set in my ways. I'm not exactly the most open person, and I'm not easy to live with. I'm cautious because I don't want there to be any pain in this relationship."

"There is pain in any relationship. Its how we deal with it that affects whether or not we make it. I love you and I would never deliberately hurt you." It was said in a desperate and haunted whisper.

"I know that in my head, but my heart, as much as I love you, still needs to be convinced."

"We can stop now. We don't have to go any farther. If you have doubts…" She trailed off. The thought of losing him was almost too much to bear.

"No, I want this, I just want to take it slow." Lilly gave him a watery smile.

"Slow I can do." John nodded and pulled her close, kissing her softly on the lips. She settled back against his side. Once they were comfortable, Lilly's cats who were usually wary of strangers, arranged themselves around the couple.

_**There is only one happiness in life - to love and to be loved**_

_**George Sand**_


	4. Chapter 4: Youth

**Dear Diary**

**Chapter 4: Youth**

_**To Be Positive: To be mistaken at the top of ones voice**_

_**Ambrose Bierce**_

_Dear Diary,_

_John and I are officially together. It's wonderful. This time I wont push a man away because, John is what I've always wanted and needed. I believe we can be happy together. I know we'll be happy together. I feel complete with him. We're going to take it slow. He's still wary of our relationship. He doesn't want to get burned again. I don't blame him. I was surprised that I was so eager to jump into this. My track record isn't exactly spectacular._

_There was something else that surprised me. John loves me too. He's always been compassionate and supportive. He always encouraged me, and even when I did something that disappointed him, he still cared. That's why the disappointment hurt as much as it did._

I worry though, because while our relationship isn't forbidden, it isn't exactly encouraged either. That we could be discovered and have the whole world know, distresses me. He still has a way to go with his career and so do I. A leak could ruin both of us. I worry more for him, because they could force him into early retirement. If he weren't on the force or if we weren't in the same unit things would be different, they'd be easier. But then who ever said love was easy.

Lilly set the notebook aside and looked up. Detective Miller was standing in front of her desk.

"We caught a lead. James Stanton. He's living in Pemberton now." Kat announced with a smile. Lilly returned it. Miller was smart and resourceful. She learned fast as well. She and Lilly were a good match as partners. They balanced each other out. Where Lilly was cool and calm, Kat was energetic and fiery. They liked each other and were fast becoming friends. Lilly hoped that at some point she could trust her implicitly, as she didn't have any close female friends to talk with.

"Good. Care to go for a drive, Detective Miller?"

"I would love to, Detective Rush." Lilly nodded and gathered her bag. She slipped her notebook into it as she walked past Scotty. He looked crestfallen. The man had never been very good at hiding his emotions. She knew it was because he was still trying to find out her secret.

Lilly and Detective Miller interviewed Stanton, but he couldn't tell tem very much, or maybe he just wasn't talking. Lilly figured it was a little of both. Kat wanted to keep questioning him. Lilly had to give her credit she pursued her job zealously. She would do well.

The detectives headed back to the office. Kat drove and Lilly was deep in thought. She ran through the case again. There was just something off about the whole thing. The boy had gone missing, but why kill the mother if you weren't going to take the boy, or why let the boy live at all? Unless of course the killer didn't know that the child was there. The boy wouldn't have had any family or anywhere to go, so why not run away? The more she thought about it, the more it made sense. Lilly shared her idea with Detective Miller.

"You know a kid wouldn't last long on the streets like that, he would seek shelter somewhere. We could check the old police records to see if any children were picked up for wandering that day." Kat suggested.

"That's a good idea. We should also check the records of kids admitted to child services and to mental hospitals. A kid sees his mother murdered in cold blood, he's bound to have problems that need to be addressed." Lilly replied.

"They entered the precinct and started their search. Lilly deliberately ignored Scotty until her sister decided to grace them with her presence. She and Lilly still weren't getting along, nothing new there. Christina went straight to Scotty and didn't even look at Lilly. Detectives Jeffries and Vera could feel the tension in the room, Detective Miller was too new to know all the background on the other detectives, but she could feel the temperature in the room drop about 10 degrees. She would ask Jeffries later what it was about. Until then she would hope for some warmer weather.

Lily tried to go back to work and actually concentrate on what she was doing. It was difficulty with her there. She was loud and boisterous on purpose. The other detectives just shook their heads. Lilly had tried more than once to get Christina to stay away from the precinct but she was ignored. No shock there either. She completed her call and walked over to where Scotty and Christina were talking.

"What are you doing here?" Lilly asked softly.

"I came to see Scotty. He's actually nice to me." Christina countered with a smirk.

"Great, but you should still go. I don't want to catch trouble because you decide you need to be here all the time. Stillman isn't going to care who you're seeing." Lilly didn't care that she had lost her cold, hard edge for a more desperate tone.

"He wont care Lil. You're too uptight."

"Actually, 'he' does care." Christina turned to look at Stillman, who had come up behind her. He wasn't smiling. "If you wish to speak or see Scotty or your sister, make sure its when they're on their own time." With that he nodded at Lilly to follow him into his office. She glared at Christina as she passed. As soon as the door was closed, she started to apologize.

"You don't have to apologize. I know you have now control over you sister's actions. I just wish she would be more discreet, like her sister." Stillman gave her a small smile. "Now I called you into to ask about your case. How's it going?"

"Its going nowhere at the moment. Detective Miller and I are searching for the little boy. We think the killer didn't know about him and he managed to escape. We're checking all the records, police, child services, mental hospitals, to see if he was picked up."

"Good idea." Stillman paused. "Do you want to have dinner tonight?" It was asked softly as though anything louder would be heard by the world outside his door.

"I'd like that." Lilly answered just as softly. Stillman nodded, giving another small smile.

"7?"

"Perfect"

"Better get back to work then before your partner tries to break down my door with her enthusiasm." Lilly turned to see Kat about to knock on the door. Stillman gestured for her to enter.

"I got a lead. There was a 7 year old by picked up the day of the murder, a block from the scene. He seemed calm enough and he didn't have anything on him. When they asked about his parents, he said he didn't have any. They placed him in a foster home. He's 16 now and as I found out, currently in juvie." Kat looked triumphant.

"What's he being held for?" Lilly asked.

"Animal cruelty. The officers caught him killing a dog." She answered. Stillman raised an eyebrow.

"Guess we better get down there and have a talk with this kid." Both detectives nodded at him and left.

Stillman was once again left to his own thoughts. That was dangerous territory on any day, but even more so when they were consistently focused on Lilly Rush.

_**Youth is happy because it has the ability to see beauty. Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old.**_

_**Franz Kafka**_


	5. Chapter 5: Happy

**Dear Diary**

**Chapter 5: Happy**

_**Happy are those who dream dreams and are willing to pay the price to make them come true.**_

_**Unknown**_

_Dear Diary,_

_John and I had dinner last night. It was wonderful. We ate at this little café I'd never heard of before. There was soft candlelight and great food. We talked about everything, from his divorce to my problems with my sister, to how I got each of my cats, to how things are working out between Kat and I. We didn't talk as much about him though. I was hoping that if I opened up, he would as well._

I worry sometimes when I see him, if he has second thoughts about us. I feel like I just found true happiness and I really don't want to lose it now. I'm frustrated too. I want to think that he is as committed to this relationship as I am, but I still wonder. I don't want him to allow me close and then pull away again.

_John's cautious attitude isn't the only thing I'm frustrated over. My sister is the other source of my irritation. She asked for my forgiveness, but I'm having a hard with that. She knows that what she did was wrong. I even asked if she would forgive me if I had done the same to her. She said no. I really would like to forgive her, but I really don't think I can. John is staying neutral. He understands that it's not easy to forgive and that what she did was wrong. It hurts though, the distance between us, but I can't seem to make myself want to close it. _

_Christina doesn't help matters, the way she acts around Scotty and the way she always picks the worst times to start an argument, or show up at my house or the precinct. I wish I could just get over it and let it go._

Lilly sighed and closed her notebook and dropped it on her desk. Only she and Scotty were left at the precinct. Kat had a previous engagement and John was having dinner with his daughter. Vera and Jeffries were out tracking down a lead. Lilly was left to deal with Scotty's incessant chatter and strange looks. She got up and made her way to the restroom. She stared at herself in the mirror for a long moment. She studied her image, giving herself a hard glare. She considered the woman staring back. She was strong for the most part and she blocked her heart off most times, so as to keep herself safe from harm. Lilly Rush was as independent person who had just fallen head over heels in love with the most unattainable man, the one that she should stay the farthest away from. There was a good reason he was unattainable, and yet she had managed to garner his attention, not to mention his love. That was a small accomplishment in itself, but she still had her doubts. What if he decided that she wasn't right for him, she was too young. What if he thought he was too old and broke it off? What if she ended up thinking he was too old? She shook herself loose of her thoughts and made her way back out to the office and her desk. She was still slightly preoccupied with her thoughts, so she didn't realize that her notebook wasn't on her desk.

Scotty watched as Lilly left. He coveted his opportunity to snag her notebook, so he could see what she had been hiding. He opened the first page and began to read. The first few entries were mundane, things about cases they had worked and insights about the team, how worried she was about him, and that she knew about his relationship with Christina. It wasn't until he found that entry, a very recent one, did he find what info he was looking for. Scotty glanced around to see if anyone was there besides him. Noting the coast was clear; he photo copied the pertinent pages and replaced the notebook where he had found it.

Lilly went straight home and crashed into bed. She was exhausted not only over their current case, but also because of the emotional wringer she was putting herself through, because of John's insecurities. She was asleep before her head hit the pillow.

John was lying in bed staring at the ceiling. He was still trying to convince his heart that Lilly was a safe bet. He could tell that she was still worried about him and his cautious nature. He could also tell she was frustrated. She wanted to love him and wanted his love in return, she wanted it whole-heartedly. She wanted him to let go of the past and he just couldn't, not yet anyway.

The next morning, Lilly walked into the office to see a smug Scotty and a very pale Stillman waiting by her desk.

"What's wrong?" She asked before either had a chance to speak.

"I need to speak with you in my office, now." Stillman ordered. Lilly nodded and followed him. Scotty started to join them as well. "That was not an invitation, Detective. You may have the dirt, but I'm still your commanding officer. Go back to work." He said with a deadly calm. As ballsy as it had been to confront Stillman, there was a fine line between a push and a shove. He wisely decided that he had paperwork to do.

"What did I do?" Lilly asked outright.

"Somehow Scotty got your notebook and photo copied some of the pages. They talk about us, and he's threatening to tell IAB unless we back off." Lilly stayed silent for a moment. Stillman could see the anger rising in her eyes.

"This is my fault. I think I left my journal here last night. I couldn't find it this morning. I was distracted when I left. Why is he doing this though? He's changed so much. The old Scotty would never have invaded my privacy, our lives like this." She stated quietly. There was a steely quality to her voice that sent chills down his spine.

"I don't know why, but Scotty is in love with the idea of you and now I'm competition. His motive may be to blackmail me out of the picture. He says that he made several copies, so that we wouldn't be inclined to try and steal them back." Lilly nodded. Suddenly she had a gleam in her eyes, that he was almost afraid to ask about. "What are you thinking?"

"I'm thinking we need to destroy some evidence. If he turns the copies over to IAB, they're going to want to real thing as hard evidence. However if there is no hard evidence, such as the actual notebook the copies were made from, everything is circumstantial. I can claim to have never seen the pages before. Did he show you the copies?"

"No."

"Good then you've never seen them either. I don't sign my entries so there wont be any evidence that they're mine, directly that is."

"That's good thinking, if he put the notebook back."

"Follow my lead and pretend its all going to be okay." Stillman nodded and followed her out. Lilly picked up the notebook on her desk and tucked it into her bag. Jeffries, Miller, and Vera watched from the sidelines, as Lilly got right in Scotty's face.

"I hope you don't think that you're going to win your pathetic little game. I wont back down and I'm prepared to fight tooth and nail for what I have Scotty. Are you?" Only Scotty could hear what she was saying, but the rest of the team saw him go pale. With that she turned and gestured for Miller to follow her out. They had a case to solve. Jeffries decided to talk to their boss right away, leaving Scotty alone in the office. Jeffries shut the door behind them, but Vera spoke first.

"Scotty approached us and gave us copies of the notebook pages. He said to read them and decide if we wanted to back him when he turned you in." Vera trailed off and Jeffries started.

"I think both you and Lilly deserve some happiness and if you found it with each other, even better. He had no right to invade her privacy like that. These are our copies of the pages. He said they are the only other copies." Stillman took them and tucked them into his desk.

"Thank you. Lilly and I appreciate it." Jeffries and Vera nodded and went back to work. They had their own case to solve.

That evening Stillman joined Lilly for a notebook and paper burning dinner and s'more date.

_**Breakdowns create breakthroughs. Things fall apart so things can fall together.**_

_**Unknown**_


	6. Chapter 6: Future

**Dear Diary**

**Chapter 6: Future**

_**The difference between stumbling blocks and stepping stones is how you use them.**_

_**Unknown**_

Scotty didn't waste anytime after Lilly left, in going to IAB. He gave them a copy of the notebook pages. They took one look at it and laughed in his face.

"You've got to be joking, Valens. I've known John Stillman for a lot of years. We graduated from the Academy together. Our daughters are best friends. I know he had it rough after his divorce and everything. Wife took his kid and all he had left was his job and a shaky relationship with his girl. He wouldn't jeopardize the former, not even for the latter. Kid, I don't know where you got these, or who wrote them, but it's got to be a joke." The detective stated in firm disbelief.

"That's the thing, they were written by Lilly Rush." Scotty insisted.

"Now I know you're just messing with us. I know Rush too. She's just as dedicated as Stillman. She worked too hard to get where she is, to jeopardize her career over a fling. Go back to work, Valens, and forget it." Scotty had a dejected look on his face. He decided to just go home. He had been shot down by Rush, chewed out by Stillman, and laughed at by IAB. He needed some time to reflect on his motivations. Then it hit what he had just done. He had tried to get his best friend and mentor booted off the force, for what reason? Because he was jealous and wanted Lilly for himself. He didn't love her as more than a friend anyway, so what would be the point in that. He felt self-loathing at his pathetic attempt to break apart something that seemed to make both his friends truly happy, just because he wasn't. When he got home, Christina was waiting for him. He shrugged off her attentions.

"What's wrong?" She asked when he shrugged her off the second time.

"Bad day at work. I may have just tanked my whole career over something I have no control over. Something I should have thought through before I acted instead of after."

"What did you do?" Scotty explained what he had done. Christina looked at him in horror. " I can't believe what you just told me. If those other detectives hadn't believed you, you would have ruined two careers and probably the happiness of two people you call friends. Scotty, how could you? Get up now! We are going over to Lilly's and you are going to apologize and you're going to turn all the copies back over to my sister." Scotty looked like he was going to object, but the look on Christina's face was the same one that Lilly got when she was about to trap a suspect in his lies, determined and deadly. Scotty nodded and obediently followed her, biting back any objections he was going to make.

The drive seemed entirely too short, but the walk to Lilly's door seemed to take an eternity, as did the time it took for her to open the door. She almost slammed the door in his face, but paused when she noticed Christina standing behind him, an intense glare directed at his back. She almost smiled.

"What do you want, Scotty?" She asked.

"Is the Lieutenant here as well?"

"Yeah Scotty, I'm here. What do you want?" Stillman repeated Lilly's questions from over her shoulder.

"I wanted to apologize to you both for what I did. I had no right to invade your privacy and I'm sorry for threatening your relationship. Here are the copies I made, all of them. I took some time to examine my motives, and I realized that I didn't have a really good reason for trying to break you up. I was jealous and not because I'm in love with Lilly, but because of the absolute happiness I saw in her eyes. I realized that I wasn't accepting my own happiness, when it was staring me right in the face. I'm sorry about the problems I've caused and I know that I can't take it back. I can only hope that you will forgive me at some point." He paused for a moment. " You'll have my resignation in the morning." With that he turned back to Christina. They started down the walk and she wrapped an arm around his waist.

"I'm proud of you and I forgive you for being a dumbass, even is my sister doesn't." Lilly heard her whisper.

"Scotty, Christina wait." Both stopped and turned back to where Lilly and Stillman were standing in the doorway. "I accept your apology, but we'll need some time to forgive. You hurt us Scotty, and it hurts more because you're my friend and my partner. Give me a little space. We'll sort the rest out later. And Christina, I think its time we put the past behind us." Lilly said quietly. Christina jogged up the steps and hugged her sister before rejoining Scotty.

"You don't have to resign Scotty and if I see it on my desk, it will be shredded and denied. I'll need some time to forgive as well, but I do accept you apology." Stillman added. Scotty nodded to them and then headed home. Nothing was back to normal yet, it would never be the same again, but they were on their way to easing the tension between them.

Once Scotty and Christina had gone home, Lilly and John went back to their place in front of her fireplace.

"You really going to patch things up with your sister?" He asked.

"I'm going to try. I may have pushed her away too many times and it will be a long and drawn out process. I hope that we can forgive each other. This thing with Scotty made me realize that I need my family and friends and that no matter who hurts who, a person's family and friends are all they have. I love my sister. I just need to relearn how to like her again." Lilly answered. John nodded and pulled her close. They tossed the copies into the fireplace with the burning notebook and other papers.

"What about us? Are we okay?" Lilly asked softly from where her face was buried in his neck.

"We'll be fine. I love you. We may have had to face adversity now, at the beginning of our relationship, but we can survive this. We'll be fine."

"I believe you." She didn't sound convinced. John lifted her chin so that she was looking in his eyes.

"When Scotty told me he knew about us, I thought for sure I was going to lose you. That scared me more that anything he threatened. I couldn't stand the thought. I love you Lilly Rush and I'm ready to let go of my past and take my future with you. No matter what, I'm going to stay with you."

"I'm ready for that future too." John hugged her tighter and kissed her softly on the lips. They would make it, no matter what.

_**Future: The period of time in which out affairs prosper, our friends are true, and out happiness is assured.**_

_**Ambrose Bierce**_


	7. Chapter 7: Worry

**Dear Diary**

**Chapter 7: Worry**

**_Let our advance worrying become advance thinking and planning. _**

**_Winston Churchill_**

_Dear Diary,_

_John and I have been together for three months now. We're settling in well, or adjusting to each other. We've both forgiven Scotty and things are easier between us. Scotty will always be my best friend. I just needed time to remember that. He was having a hard time adjusting as well. Vera and Jeffries have taken John and I being together really well. Miller just gives me goofy grins when she catches me watching John for long periods of time. There are days when I can't believe that we're together and that we're making a good go of it. _

_Things between Christina and I aren't as easy to put back together. We're both making an effort to over come the past. It's difficult to forget some days, but we're both trying. Our mom isn't doing so well and that, sadly, seems to be helping us. We're coming together for her sake. She's living with me right now. The doctors say that she's killing herself with her drinking. She doesn't have much time left as it is and the way she keeps on is stealing what little she does have. John accepting her as she is was a great relief for me. He comes over some evenings and we sit together, the three of us. Mom always stays away from the bottle if she knows he going to visit. Knowing that he's there when I need him is so wonderful._

Lilly laid her new notebook on the nightstand. She had bought a new one a few weeks after the first one died a horrible death by fire. She was alone with her thought for the night. John was having dinner with his daughter and Christina and Scotty had taken their mother out to dinner with them. Lilly had a feeling that Scotty was going to pop the question soon, and wanted to ask permission. It was his way; especially considering how long he and Christina had been living together. She was happy for them. Both deserved what happiness they had found with each other.

"Knock, knock." John said from the doorway. Lilly looked up in surprise. She hadn't expected him to come by since he was spending time with his daughter.

"Hey, how was your evening?" She asked.

"Good. I'm afraid we don't have much to talk about anymore. I ask about her husband and her mother. She asks about you and that's about it. It's hard. I think she still blames me for the divorce. I don't see any reason to correct her. It would only ruin her relationship with her mother and with me. So what did you do tonight?"

"I made an entry in my new journal and paid some much needed attention to the cats."

"Where's Ellen?"

"Out with Christina and Scotty. I think he wants to ask Christina to marry him. I hope she says yes is he does."

"Me too." John stood from where he had been sitting on the edge of the bed and kicked off his shoes, and shed his jacket and tie. Then he propped himself up next to Lilly on the bed. The cats adjusted to another body with only mild grumbles. It didn't take long before both were sleeping soundly.

An hour later when Christina dropped Ellen off, she found them. She smiled to herself and tucked her mom into her own bed.

The next morning Lilly woke to find John had already gone. He had to rise even earlier that usual when he spent the night with her, in order to get home and change and still be on time to work. She kept telling him to leave a few things at her place for those nights but he always shook his head and smiled sheepishly at her. He just wasn't quite ready for that. They hadn't slept together either, in a sexual sense. She didn't mind; she was a patient person.

Lilly walked into the precinct, bright and cheery, holding two cups of coffee. She knew the boss would need the caffeine. She knocked on his door and waited until he waved her in, as he was on the phone. She set the coffee on his desk as he ended the call.

"You are an angel." John said with a sweet smile, one he reserved especially for her.

"We've had this discussion before so I'm going to let it go this time." She answered.

"Yes, well I'm starting to agree with you especially after this morning. It was really hard to leave you. I like to watch you sleep. You're so relaxed." He paused for a moment. "I love you Lilly." Her smile which had been soft before turned brilliant."

"I love you too, John." They shared another couple of quiet minutes before the rest of the gang joined them. John waited until everyone was settled before he began.

"Do you remember the case last year, murder-suicide, mother, father, son, daughter? This girl was the only one who survived and she's in a coma?"

"Yeah, the Jacobi case. I remember." Lilly answered as the other detectives nodded in agreement.

"Well the girl woke up a few weeks ago and she's starting to remember. Scotty, you and Lilly go talk to the girl. The rest of us are going to pull the evidence and go over it." They all nodded and headed off for their assignments.

As she and Scotty walked out of the building, Lilly had distinct feeling that their case was going to test all of them

**_Experience: The wisdom that enables us to recognize in an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced_**.

_**Ambrose Bierce**_


	8. Chapter 8: Loss

**Dear Diary**

**Chapter 8: Loss**

****

**Nothing that grieves us can be called little: by the eternal laws of proportion a child's loss of a doll and a king's loss of a crown are events of the same size. **

**Mark Twain**

_Dear Diary,_

_Scotty and I questioned a young girl today about the death of her parents. I hope that she remembers more so that we can solve this case and give her some peace of mind; so that she can know her family's killer is behind bars. Things have gone back to the way they were before with Scotty. We've finally reached that comfortable place again. I'm happy for that and I recently found out that he bought a ring to give to my sister. _

_My mother is getting worse. She's dying and there's nothing anyone can do to stop it. I don't know what to do. I hate that feeling of helplessness. Christina helps. She spends time with mom during the day and I spend my evenings with her. We both can tell she's getting weaker. How do you tell someone that you love them and you don't want them to leave you when they've given up? I wonder all the time now it seems. I even asked John. He doesn't answer but to pull me close and let me snuggle into his arms. It makes me feel better but it doesn't completely ease the ache in my chest. I'm losing her and I need more time to make repairs between us. I want her to see that Christina and I are finally mending our relationship. I want her too see Christina get married and finally settle down. I want her to see that despite my previous attitude, I want and need her in my life, but I don't know how. That's the hard part…._

Lilly set aside her notebook for what felt like the fiftieth time in an hour. Writing wasn't helping her the way that it usually did. It was normally a release; a place where she could purge all her thoughts and feelings but for some reason it just wasn't working. John was staying late to catch up on some paperwork and Ellen was asleep on the couch. Every few minutes during the evening Lilly got up to check on her. She was breathing but Lilly could tell she was starting to struggle. She debated with herself silently as she paced her dark house, wondering if she should just tell her mom it was ok to let go. The problem was, she wasn't ready to let go. Finally Lilly made herself go to bed and fell into a fitful sleep.

Morning came too soon, but Lilly jumped up almost immediately when the alarm went off. She had dreamed that her mother had passed in the night calling for her and she hadn't been able to get to her in time. Ellen was still breathing and was more or less awake when she peaked over the top of the couch.

"Morning Mom." Lilly whispered softly so as not to startle her mother.

"Morning Lilly." Ellen answered just as quietly.

"Want so coffee?"

"Sure baby." Lilly entered the kitchen and started the coffee. She showered and dressed while it was brewing. She left her house, making sure her mother had every thing she needed. Scotty called her on the way to the precinct and asked her to meet him at the hospital. She would have to do without her fix of Lieutenant Stillman until they were done.

The girl, Kim Jacobi, remembered a few more details about the day that her family was murdered. She remembered hearing her parents argue about internet chats, things she never did or talked about online, things she was blamed for that she didn't do. She remembered the rose taped to her locker and the phone call from Romeo that night while her parents yelled. She remembered her brother's friend being at the house. That led them back to the precinct where they could question the boy. The boy told them about the gun and how Kim had been the one to get it out. When she finally had a moment to herself, Lilly went to sit with the John in his office.

"Hey, how are you holding up?" He asked as soon as she sat down.

"I don't know. If I concentrate on mom right now, I can't work because I'm worrying. If I concentrate on work, I feel heartless because my mom is dying and I'm not worrying about her. My mind can't pick one or the other to focus on." She answered.

"Do you want a few days off to spend with your mom? Scotty and Kat can handle the case if you want to take the time."

"No. I need to work." She really wanted to climb into his lap and let him shelter her from everything but it was an inappropriate venue as they were in his office and it was all glass. She settled for his presence alone to soothe her tattered nerves.

Lilly went home a little early so that she could check on her mom. John had called her on her way home to let her know he would be by later. She checked her mom as soon as she walked in the door, barely remembering to shut it behind her. Ellen was still breathing and seemed to be sleeping.

"You know I remember you reading the 'Velveteen Rabbit' to me. It was always my favorite. I would beg you to read it over and over again. It didn't matter how many times though, I was always so happy that the bunny kept checking on the little boy and how he became real. You always made the story come alive mom." She said softly, holding onto her mother's hand. That was how John found her several hours later. Ellen was gone and Lilly was still kneeling by the couch. He called the ambulance and took care of all the little details. Lilly seemed almost catatonic during the whole process. She held onto him for dear life but she was still holding everything inside. John held her all night, but when morning came she was lucid enough to tell him to go to work, when he would have stayed with her.

"I can stay with you. I want to stay with you, if you'll let me." He stated firmly from his seat at her kitchen table.

"I know that, but I need a little time to grieve and I would prefer to do that alone." She answered.

"As you wish." That small comment almost brought a smile to her lips. He was very much her Wesley. " I'll be back by tonight." She nodded, and then she was alone in her house and with her thoughts. The other detectives asked about her and naturally Scotty went by to check on her at lunchtime, like any good friend would do. She had most of her day alone and even Christina didn't put up a fight when Lilly asked her to leave alone for a little while. It was Scotty however who gave her what she needed most.

"Lil, you alright? You left the door unlocked." He asked as he came in.

"No. She's gone Scotty. Last night. I just need a little time." She answered.

"Ok. But if you need anything, just call me and say 'hey' and I'll be there." She nodded as he turned and made his way out. He knew Lilly would be ok. She had Stillman to look after her, a sister to fight with and her best friend to be there when she needed him most. She would be just fine, it just take time.

When she finally did come back to work the next day, it seemed almost as if the case had taken off and left her behind. Lilly caught up on the major details and was leaving the minor ones until she had another moment. Right then though, she was going to talk to Kim one more time. But it seemed as though all hell broke loose in the span of a few short moments.

Lilly stared in shock as Lt. Stillman, her John, leaned against the door to the office. He was bleeding from the shoulder but the look on his face told her it was as bad as it seemed. He subtly shook his head at her, to warn her not to react. Lilly tried to placate the young therapist who was now holding Kim hostage. He was her stalker and he claimed to love her, but he knew deep down that it was all a charade and that Kim had rejected him the first time, and was about to do it again. That was what made him so dangerous. He led Lilly and Kim into the waiting room behind interrogation so that they wouldn't be seen by the police trying to get in. Lilly had gone willingly. The therapist demanded a helicopter and Lilly made the call…to Scotty.

"I want a helicopter on the roof and a clear route to it." She said into the phone.

"Lilly where are you?" Scotty asked.

"Where you cant see us. Now do as I say." She ordered.

"Shit! In Viewing?"

"Hey! Did you hear me? Hey!"

"You want us to come in anyway? Jesus Lil'! Alright, we're coming in."

"What did they say?" The therapist demanded as he held Kim close.

"Your helicopter will be on the roof in 10 minutes." She answered calmly and maneuvered closer to the wall where the mirror was. The next events were a blur. Suddenly Scotty was in the room. Kim was safe and the therapist was dead, but Lilly could feel this awful burning in her chest as she slid down the wall. Then she was in the ambulance with John, on the way to the hospital. She could feel him holding her hand as her vision slowly started to fade. Then there was nothing but blackness.

John paced outside the ER while the other detectives waited in the hall. He kept glancing around, looking for the doctors that had taken Lilly into surgery but they were scarily absent. All he could do was pace and wait and pace some more. He even prayed, something that as of late had become foreign to him. However Lilly always seemed to bring out the best in him and that included the need for divine intervention. For now though, all he could do was wait and pace some more.

_**If we are marked to die, we are enough to do our country loss; and if to live, the fewer men, the greater share of honor. **_

_**William Shakespeare**_


	9. Chapter 9: Awakening

**Dear Diary**

**Chapter 9: Awakening**

_**Without you I'm all alone,**_

_**There's a candle burning in my heart for you,**_

_**Because I cant forget your love.**_

_**Goddess Nemesis**_

She was floating in darkness. There were soft beeps coming from somewhere and distant voices that she couldn't distinguish. She felt heavy, weighted down by something leaden. It felt as though breathing was next to impossible and each inhale was a titanic struggle since there was obviously an elephant sitting in her chest. She felt a though she needed to be somewhere, a place where there was light, but she couldn't quite find the strength to get there and her consciousness faded again.

When she felt some awareness again, the darkness had faded to an indistinct gray. Her body felt lighter but it was still hard to breathe. The elephant had been exchanged for at least a small rhino. She could still hear the soft beeping but the voices were gone. She could almost open her eyes and felt her eyelashes flutter against her cheeks. She felt as though she was floating up to the surface of a deep lake, one the stretched for miles deep into the earth and she was at the bottom making her way to the top.

Each time her she felt her consciousness return, she felt a little closer to the light. The voices periodically returned however the steady, soft beeps were constant. It was six days after she had been admitted to the hospital that she was finally able to open her eyes. When she did, she saw the gray ceiling of the hospital. The soft beeps of her heart monitor were to one side. She tried to move her hand but it felt like it was trapped in a vice grip. She looked over to see John's head lying on the bed next to her. He was holding onto her hand in a steady grip as though he was an anchor and refused to let her go. He was sleeping. Lilly twitched her fingers in his and he sat upright almost immediately. It took a moment for him to focus on her face and see that she was awake.

"Oh thank God. I thought you were going to leave me." John whispered.

"Couldn't leave…. love you too much…." Lilly answered, her voice hoarse from disuse.

"I love you too, sweetheart." John had tears in his eyes. The last six days had been the longest in his life. He had left the squad in Jeffries capable hands. He hadn't left Lilly's side. He had wanted to be there no matter which way the tide turned.

"What happened? I remember the Viewing room but I don't remember after that. Did he shoot me?"

"Yes. Just as Scotty came in, he fired and hit you. You were awake but you were in shock. I rode with you to the hospital. It was hard to let go of your hand when they took you into the ER. I felt that I would never see you again, or get to tell you how much I love you, if I let go. I almost lost you Lilly! They had to restart your heart because the bullet passed so close." He was near tears.

"Well who's running the place, since you're here with me?" She asked with a hint of her usual humor. John sniffed and smiled.

"Its under the watchful eye of Jeffries and Vera."

"And they haven't left the precinct in ruins yet?"

"No. Scotty keeps me updated. He and Christina have come to see you."

"That's good. So when do I get out of this place? I miss my cats."

"The doc says that if you behave yourself, maybe in a few days. But you have to rest and you aren't allowed to go back to work for a least a week and a half and then only on desk duty."

"Well, I wont argue, but will you check on the cats. They hate Scotty."

"So he tells me. Are you tired?"

"Yeah. I feel like I've been sleeping forever, but I cant seem to keep my eyes open."

"Go back to sleep, hon. I'll be here when you wake up." Lilly was already asleep. John watched her for a moment before he left the hospital. He needed to relieve Scotty of cat duty and to check in on the precinct. He walked out to his car and on the way to Lilly's house, he made his calls. He let everyone know that Lilly was awake and that she was going to be ok. When he got to her house, he let himself in and collapsed onto the couch. When he finally let himself relax and think about how close he had come to losing Lilly, he gave into tears.

**_I can only pray you'll catch me,  
When I fall to the otherside._**

_**Goddess Nemesis**_


	10. Chapter 10: Bliss

**AN: I was going to end the story with this chapter, but that seems to be a cop out. I apologive for not having this up sooner. I really would like to finish this story but I'm afraid that it isnt ready to let go. Hopefully I will have a few more insprations so that I can add more chapters. And just for trivia purposes, this is the longest story I have ever written in terms of chapters, coming in a 10 so far. Enjoy!**

**Dear Diary**

**Chapter 10: Bliss**

_**When by now and tree by leaf  
she laughed his joy she cried his grief**_

_**e. e. cummings**_

_Dear Diary,_

I've finally been released from the hospital. Thank God! If I had to stare at the gray walls one more day, or eat hospital food, I was going to go crazy. I was awake too, so John wasn't allowed to stay with me any longer. I was out of danger so to speak. I miss him already. He has gone back to work, but he is staying with me for now. He actually brought clothes with him too. I was so proud. It feels good to be able to sleep in my own bed and curl up next to John. He holds me so tightly though. I think he's afraid that he is going to wake up and I wont be there, that me surviving was just a dream. I don't mind, in fact I really like it. There's just something wonderful about knowing you're loved by being held all night long.

_I still hurt when I think about my mom. I know it will lessen with time, but things happened so fast that I really haven't had time to grieve properly. I miss her so much. My first thought when I got out of the hospital was how much I would like her to read me the 'Velveteen Rabbit' one more time. I had to stop and remember that she wasn't there any longer._

_Scotty and Christina stopped by to see me. He asked her to marry him. I'm so happy for them. I think that Scotty is taming my sister in his own way and she's…well I don't exactly know what my sister does for him, but he's happy and that's something. They're perfect for each other. Christina says when I get back on my feet that we have to go shopping for dresses. She needs to find the perfect wedding dress and she wants me to be her maid of honor. She asked if John would walk her down the aisle. He agreed. I guess since I played a mother to her for so long, its only fair that my lover…boyfriend…significant other…escort her to the altar. I'm just happy that we've managed to put our differences behind us and that we are finally able to be sisters, true sisters. I wonder if John will ever ask me to marry him? I wouldn't mind if he did but it isn't necessary. I'll love him no matter what. _

Lilly set aside her notebook and sighed. She was getting bored being cooped up in the house. She wasn't allowed to go back to work for another five days and then it was only for desk duty. She couldn't clean her house, not that she really wanted to. She wasn't hungry so there was no reason to cook. It was raining, so she couldn't go outside and sit. John was at work and none of her cats felt like playing, no matter how many times she attempted to lure them over. She really didn't feel like reading a book either and just finished her entry into her journal. To top all that off, she wasn't tired anymore and therefore couldn't go to sleep. It was going to be a long week. She decided to call John anyway.

"Stillman." He answered the phone gruffly, which meant that his day was not going well.

"Hey. How's work?" Lilly asked. She knew that they still had to be discreet and even though she didn't want to interrupt whatever it was that he was doing, she needed to hear John's voice.

"I'll get back to you on that." John answered cryptically.

"Someone there you don't want to know about us?" She questioned.

"Yes."

"Ok well call me when you're done."

"Ok." She heard the click on the line and wondered whom John had in his office that he couldn't talk.

John focuses on his long time friend and buddy, McMasters, with a frown. He had hoped to keep IAB away for a while longer.

"When Valens came to us, we laughed because I didn't think you or her, would be crazy enough to do what you're doing. You've both worked so hard to get where you are. So I have to ask: What were you thinking?"

"I was thinking, here is a special woman and she's head over heels for me, and I feel the same way about her. I was thinking that it was time to take the risk and it would definitely e the last time because she's perfect for me. I was thinking that I love her so much that I said damn the consequences because I cant live without her." John answered. McMasters nodded.

"Well it's a good thinking that there aren't rules against this, only suggestions. Do me a favor though? Don't make me come down her over you and her again."

"Deal" McMasters gave a final nod and made a quick getaway. John waited a few minutes before he called Lilly back. They talked for a moment as he explained who was in his office.

"So we're ok?" She asked.

"We/re fine as long as we keep it out of the office."

"Good to know. When will you be by?"

"About 7. I have to run an errand before I come by."

"Ok, I'll see you then." Lilly returned to her previous occupation of nothing and John smirked to himself.

John ran his errand and let himself into Lilly's house. She was curiously absent so he walked through until he found her steaming in the bathtub.

"Are you cooked yet?" He asked with a smile. She returned it, happy to see him.

"My aren't we in a good mood. No not yet. You could cook with me for a while. Its big enough for two."

"I might take you up on that if you'll answer a question for me."

"Ok, ask away." Lilly answered giving him her full attention.

"Will you stay with me forever?" He asked kneeling by the tub and opening a small velvet box. She felt tears spring into her eyes.

"Of course I will, forever and a day. I love you."

"I love you too, Lilly Rush."

_**All by all and deep by deep,**_

_**And more by more, they dream their sleep.**_

_**e. e. cummings**_


End file.
